Domestic Violence: Statistics, Red Flags, Effects on Children, and What to Do If You Suspect Abuse

In The Good, the Bad, and the Backstory, we learn about how Ryan’s mom dealt with an abusive relationship and how she finally was able to leave. Another character in the book, Andrew, has a volatile relationship with his father. He never knows what to expect - what’s going to set his dad off - and he regularly witnesses his father treating his mother poorly. For Domestic Violence Awareness Month this October, let’s look at intimate partner violence: some statistics, red flags, the effects on children, and what we can do if we suspect someone is being abused.

Every minute about 20 people are physically abused by an intimate partner. This averages to more than 10 million women and men per year (The national intimate partner and sexual violence survey: 2010 summary report ). Additionally, one in 15 children are exposed to intimate partner violence, and 90% of these children are eyewitnesses.

Most perpetrators are only abusive to current or former intimate partners and are considered to be “nice people” to others outside of the relationship. In many situations, you would never guess that abuse could be happening in the home. Psychological abuse typically occurs before or concurrently with physical abuse (physical assault, battery and sexual assault). Some examples of psychological abuse include:

• Extreme jealousy and possessiveness
• Unpredictability and/or a bad temper
• Cruelty to animals
• Verbal abuse and/or demeaning the victim either privately or publicly
• Embarrassment or humiliation of the victim in front of others
• Extremely controlling behavior, including what the victim wears, who they can see and how they act
• Antiquated beliefs about roles of women and men in relationships
• Forced sex or disregard of their partner's unwillingness to have sex
• Sabotage of birth control methods or refusal to honor agreed upon methods
• Blaming the victim for anything bad that happens
• Sabotage or obstruction of the victim's ability to work or attend school
• Controls all the finances
• Abuse of other family members, children or pets
• Accusations of the victim flirting with others or having an affair
• Harassment of the victim at work

Abuse is typically considered to be cyclical and follows a general pattern, though it may not be the same with every relationship. There are times when things seem to be going well, until tension builds and is released as abuse. The objective is power and control, usually because the perpetrator feels inadequate and insecure. The abuser will find a way to instill fear into the victim as a way to maintain control over them.

Within the context of your classroom, you may notice changes in your student that set off an internal alarm bell. These behaviors may indicate that a student is being exposed to domestic violence: generalized anxiety, sleeplessness, aggression, difficulty concentrating, nightmares, high levels of activity, and separation anxiety. Long-term health effects from the stress of witnessing intimate partner violence in the family can include obesity, cancer, heart disease, and depression. These children may be more likely to abuse substances, use tobacco and have unintended pregnancies. A long-term consequence may be that they perpetuate the cycle of abuse in their own relationships, either as a victim or perpetrator. At the very least, they have learned that violence is a way to deal with conflict.

If you suspect that your student is being abused or neglected, or is witnessing domestic violence in the home, you must report it to the appropriate agency. (Use this link to find the one in your state.) Most states mandate that persons in certain professions - including teachers - report their concerns directly to the appropriate agency. The agency will do an assessment to determine if it rises to the next level of involvement from a social worker. If you are ever in doubt, it is better to make the call. It’s helpful to keep the school counselor in the loop, and they can guide you through the process.

The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence is a valuable resource for getting more information on domestic violence. For anonymous, confidential help available 24/7, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY). You can also contact your local crisis center to speak with an advocate; usually someone is available 24/7. The Boys Town National Hotline® is available 24/7 for children and adults at 1-800-448-3000. Teens can also access support through email, text, or on the web at yourlifeyourvoice.org. Since each situation is different, the information you provide will determine your next step. Depending on your relationship with the suspected victim, you may want to work with them on a safety plan, but always assume that the abuser is snooping on the victim in an effort to learn what the victim is doing and who is supporting them.

While we would hope that every child would have what they need and nothing that would cause them harm in any way, that is just not the reality for many children across the world. We can educate ourselves on the signs of abuse, keep our eyes and ears open for red flags, and do the best we can to end the cycle of violence.