Empathy: Walking a Mile in Someone's Shoes

When I was a graduate student, I spent a number of hours observing other school counselors conducting classroom guidance lessons. One memorable lesson involved a counselor who used the idiom, “Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes.” The lesson was designed to introduce the concept of empathy to first graders. While the students seemed to enjoy the lesson, there was still some confusion regarding the concept. Some even took the idiom literally. I can only imagine the interesting dinner table conversations that ensued that evening.

Empathy, as defined by the American Psychological Association, is “understanding a person from his or her frame of reference rather than one’s own, or vicariously experiencing that person’s feelings, perceptions, and thoughts.” The concept itself can be difficult to grasp and is often confused with the term sympathy, feeling pity or sorrow at someone’s situation.

The word empathy, has an interesting history and has gone through an evolution of meaning. Empathy comes from the German word Einfühlung, meaning, “feeling into,” before it was adapted into English in the early 1900’s. Early uses of the term were about projecting one’s own feelings and movements into objects. This stemmed from German psychological experiments on aesthetic empathy. In this form, the word empathy was rarely used outside of academia. Over time however, psychologists and sociologists began exploring the concept of interpersonal empathy. By 1955, the word empathy entered the public consciousness in its present definition, via Reader’s Digest.

If you think the history of the word empathy is confusing, let’s consider its portrayal in pop culture. A quick Google search of empathic fictional characters yields some interesting results: Most of these characters happen to be supernatural – witches, demons, seers, or superheroes. There’s Yoda from Star Wars, who has the ability to see the fear and anger that leads one to the dark side and Mantis from Guardians of the Galaxy, who can sense feelings with her touch. But if pop culture examples of empathy require super human powers, how can mere mortals grasp this concept? 

Despite the confusion about the word, most people deem empathy as a desirable quality to have. A 2019 survey of CEO’s found 80% acknowledged the connection between empathy and success. Research has found that empathic individuals tend to be more social and effective leaders. Empathic managers are better able to motivate employees and foster positive work environments. Additionally, they excel at identifying their client’s needs. In the school setting, empathy is an effective tool in preventing bullying. It can promote kindness and tolerance, help children regulate their emotional responses, and facilitate healthy relationships.

Empathy is a skill that develops over time and can be nurtured in many ways. So how do we teach empathy? Below are some helpful strategies:

• Use pretend play or role playing to start thinking about empathy. 

For example, act out a situation where someone feels afraid. You can relate the exercise to a drama class and how actors “get in character” to understand their part and prepare for a role. Talk about how the character feels and why they might be feeling this way.

• Read a book together and discuss the character’s experiences. 

Understanding the motivations and perspectives of literary characters helps to build empathy. Additionally, books allow children to explore difficult emotions in a safe way.

• Acknowledge everyday emotions. 

If your child is happy, compliment their mood or their smile. If they are disappointed, talk about why they are feeling sad or mad. Let them know that you understand how they feel.

• Use “I” messages. 

If a child is having trouble expressing their feelings, provide an “I” message to help. “I feel ____ when _______. For example, “I feel sad, when someone doesn’t want to play with me.” “I” messages are great ways to discuss feelings and brainstorm solutions to problems.

• Model empathy and kindness in daily life. 

Ask questions like “How are you?” or “Can I help?” These simple gestures are very practical ways to show empathy and kindness on a daily basis.

• Practice listening skills. 

Remind children to focus on the person who is speaking and to ask questions if they don’t understand what is being said. Empathy begins with listening and understanding what someone is trying to say.

• Connect empathy with kind actions. 

Teach children that empathy is not just saying words to let people know you understand, but also following up with kindness and support.

The ability to “walk a mile in someone’s shoes,” or to understand what another person is feeling is a vital tool in one’s emotional toolbox. Empathy helps build relationships, promotes kindness, and is a quality that is linked to future success. Fortunately, there are many ways to teach and reinforce this fundamental skill.