On Language and Unconditional Positive Regard

“I’m bad.”

We’ve all heard it. A child has been told they’re “bad” to the point that they’ve integrated it into their sense of identity. “Bad” goes from being something a child does to who they think they are. Though adults may think this type of language can curb problematic behavior, it actually stands to produce the opposite effect. If a child is bad as a person, why should they try to change their behavior at all? If they are inherently “bad,” it’s not worth the effort. It creates a self-fulfilling prophecy.

And it’s entirely avoidable. Language matters. It’s one of the methods by which we as humans create meaning in our lives – whether good or bad. A simple shift in how we discuss problematic behavior with children can make all the difference in the world. Famed psychologist Carl Rogers coined the term “unconditional positive regard.” Now, this doesn’t mean approving of all behaviors, but it does mean valuing people for who they are regardless of the mistakes they make. One way we can demonstrate unconditional positive regard is through how we speak to the children around us. “You’re bad” becomes “I love you and we need to work on this behavior. It's not okay.” We can target the behavior without vilifying the child.

Is the way we frame our statements really that big of a deal? Yes! It’s the difference between a child internalizing the message “I messed up” versus “I’m messed up.” That single apostrophe and the letter “m” change the entire meaning. Children are going to make poor choices. They’re going to mess up. It doesn’t make them bad kids – any more than it makes us bad adults (because I’m pretty sure I’ve already messed up at least 5 times today, and it’s still before noon). We can use children’s mistakes as teachable moments and opportunities for growth. I’d venture that most of us have learned just as much from our mistakes as we have from our successes (if not more so).

In my books, I try to create characters that are a far cry from perfect. They have flaws. They get mad. They’re human. This is also the case in my newest book, Isaac the Instigator (well, except the human part). Now ol’ Isaac definitely demonstrates some poor behavior choices as he’s starting arguments around the swamp, but I must say that I’m rather fond of him. Though he definitely does bad things, he’s not a bad gator. A little unconditional positive regard from a couple of bears doesn’t hurt the outcome for ol’ Isaac either. As a result, Isaac learns from his mistakes. He grows as a gator.

So, what’s the takeaway? Language matters. People mess up. Value them anyway.