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“I’m bad.”We’ve all heard it. A child has been told they’re “bad” to the point that they’ve integrated it into their sense of identity. “Bad” goes from being something a child does to who they think they are. Though adults may think this type of language can curb problematic behavior, it actually stands to produce the opposite effect. If a child is bad as a person, why should they try to change their behavior at all? If they are inherently “bad,” it’s not worth the effort. It creates a se …

When I was 11, I walked over to the corner store to buy a soda. I paid with a twenty-dollar bill, and the guy mistakenly gave me back some ones and a fifty instead of a ten. I ran up to my dad and said, “Guess what? I just got paid to buy a pop! It’s my lucky day!” My dad looked at me surprisingly and said, “You’re keeping it?” I replied, “Heck yeah! He’ll never know.” Then he said, “But you will know. You’ll know today, and tomorrow, and forever. You just sold out your integrity for forty …

In our work with children, families and educators, we consistently hear comments like “They should know how to do that by now!” when describing a child's behavior. Our response is often that behavior change takes time and children, as well as adults, are not wired to be one time learners. It just doesn’t happen.Youth learn through the process of repetition and the application of contrast. Contrast is the experience that should result from a behavior, either a positive or negative consequence tha …

School conferences have generally been good experiences for my husband and me. With few exceptions, we often hear about our kids’ achievements, how they seem to be doing in class or at school, and hear very positive things about their behavior.But when our son (who is now entering 10th grade) was in sixth grade, he hit a rough patch in school. He was doing fine overall, but definitely not living up to his potential in some classes. Homework had been missed, projects not done to completion, …