To Fail or Not to Fail?

It’s so hard to be perfect. In fact, it’s impossible to be perfect. Yet that seems to be exactly what many of us are seeking. Where did we get this idea that it was possible to do everything well? Was it when we were in elementary school, and got our papers back? We looked to see if we got a star or if we missed any. We looked to see if we were worthy or worthless. No matter the origin, I feel like many of us missed out on the lessons and teachings we are working to pass down to our children about mindset.

Growth Mindset. According to Carol Dweck, “In a growth mindset, people believe that their most basic abilities can be developed through dedication and hard work—brains and talent are just the starting point. This view creates a love of learning and a resilience that is essential for great accomplishment” (Dweck, 2015).

Fixed Mindset. Dweck also defines a fixed mindset. She says, “In a fixed mindset, people believe their basic qualities, like their intelligence or talent, are simply fixed traits. They spend their time documenting their intelligence or talent instead of developing them. They also believe that talent alone creates success—without effort” (Dweck, 2015).

I bring up mindset because that is a foundation on which we form our judgments about ourselves, our accomplishments, and even day to day events. Our mindset unfolds to help us or hinder us as parents. We work to support our children to develop a healthy mindset, so they can grow from their mistakes and maintain self-confidence and the energy to keep trying. However, we find that the concept of a growth mindset abandons us when we look at ourselves. I know I can’t be a perfect parent. But, when something occurs to remind me that I’m not perfect, I label myself and that moment as a failure.

What if I change my words and change my mindset? What if I’m not a failure? What if it’s simply an area where I can grow? What if mistakes are what I learn from—like we teach our children? What if I am human? And, what if I gather my information, look at what has happened, and then, try again with a new approach? Life is not fixed. And human beings are ever-changing. So, I need to remind myself that I am capable of change and I am worthy of self-compassion.

It takes courage to look at flaws and still find that you are good. It’s so easy to revert to the fixed mindset in the face of mistakes. It may even feel automatic to make mistakes, see poor results, think negative thoughts about ourselves, and feel like a failure. But, if we have the courage to face the flaws and the negative thoughts and then challenge those with kindness and forgiveness, we can come out on the other side as learning and growing and being human.

Life is not perfect, and humans are not either. We will never become perfect parents and perfect people. However, we can become people that work hard and keep trying to do our best. We can become people that make mistakes and learn new ways to try again. The way we choose to handle our parenting mistakes becomes the way we teach our children about how to embrace their mistakes. If we are willing to adopt a growth mindset for ourselves, our own setbacks and challenges become part of life’s valuable lessons that we want for our children.

Resources:
https://www.renaissance.com/edwords/growth-mindset/
Dweck, C. (2015) Carol Dweck Revisits the 'Growth Mindset'. Education Week. Retrieved from:  http://www.edweek.org/ew/articles/2015/09/23/carol-dweck-revisits-the-growth-mindset.html